The One

There’s a whole in my heart and it’s not fair. I lost my best friend. I lost who I did everything with, and in that I lost myself too. I have to bury every “I love you” and every thought for the future. I have to mourn not only the loss of you, but who I needed you to be.

You told me you loved me, you said you would forever and then a few months later you say “sometimes you have to let the things you love go”

I hate hearing “get over someone” because I never want to get over him. I want to carry that weight. I never want him to feel nothing when he thinks of me, and I never not want to feel everything when I think of him. I want to be comforted by the idea that he could come back. That we could meet up for coffee one day and everything would be good and we’d be something great. I keep checking my phone, hearing it ring, and hoping that it’s him.

You told me that this was like nothing you ever felt before. And that’s how I feel. I’ve never felt such strong intense emotions.

I want that love back 

I know it’ll be okay, because I need it to be. But until then I’ll keep wearing your clothes and remembering everything, every moment I got with you and hoping that one day you’ll be what I need you to be.

My friend told me something that hurt me, but also set me free, he said”quit looking for the one” he told me, “it’s not about being right for someone, it’s about mutual effort to make it work.” It’s true, I think I’m always looking for the one, but I think what I need is to just be alone. I’m learning that I can be the one. The one that I care for and love with everything I have…what I would have been giving to you. Breakups are beautiful. They are sad and empowering. They make me feel empty and lonely. But they also force me to really take a look at myself and see my life for what it really is. It allows me to tell myself the truth. To reinvent myself. To be selfish with myself. And to have the time to create the life I truly want.

I always want you but I know that I need to want myself too. I need to love myself enough to be strong and courageous and do what I am made to do.

My mom used to sing me that song when I was a baby “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine….” whenever I was crying and I like to think that I am warm and I have a light in me like the sun.

You are the one, my only sun

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3 thoughts on “The One

  1. You just never know what’s around the corner, and you can’t hold the hand of who you’re supposed to be with until you let go of the hand you’re currently holding. There’s good in every situation, and in order to get through a tough break up and on to the next chapter in your life, you have to appreciate that what you had may have been good, but something better is on its way, and you’re a stronger person now because of what you’ve been through.

    “Good things fall apart so greater things can fall together”- Marilyn Monroe

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amanda,

    I have been where you have been a long, long time ago. Once upon a time I was four years and an engagement ring deep into my first and only relationship, and it was as intense, passionate, and fervid as the stories and everyone tells you a first love would be like. We started dating my senior year of high school, through my first year of college, and through his first two years of enlistment in the military. We were like every other young couple in love – crazy about each other, but we also broke up many times for many different reasons, and yet somehow through it all, I knew we would always end up back together; as the breaks, I reasoned, were only ever going to be temporary. I daydreamed of marrying this man from the moment I woke up in the morning until the moment I fell asleep. There were times that when I thought of him I would be unable to breath. My future, I told myself, would be this bleak and hopeless burden if he was not a part of it, and I truly believed that if we were to ever break up permanently, and I did not become his wife, I wouldn’t be able to survive.

    One fateful day, all of my worst fears came true; on the Christmas of 2013, after enduring a long distance relationship for two and a half years, having not seen his face in almost six months, or hear his voice in weeks, I recieved a phone call that crushed my world and all I had planned for the future: he told me that he was breaking up with me for good, because the thought of marrying me made him sick. He couldn’t stand the thought of it anymore, he told me. I don’t care what you do with my belongings, our things, or the engagement ring – I don’t want it, he said. He never wanted to see me, or it, ever again. This was the last I would ever hear from him.

    And I haven’t since that day.

    This is the story of a heartbroken young girl almost three years ago.

    Today, I am writing this story to you from the comfort of the bed that I share with my husband of almost two years, and the man who all along had truly been my “one”, and my soulmate.

    They say that most people meet the person they are going to marry by the age of twenty one; little did I know the man that I was destined to marry was an acquaintance from one of the many days I spent with my ex-fiancé. We met in a barracks room where they were both stationed, as my husband was my ex’s roommate and best friend at the time, and never in my wildest dreams could I have known that he was the man who was my “one”.

    Life is meant to be unexpected. When I look back on the day I first met my husband, I remember a young man sitting on the top of a bunk bed with his laptop, wearing a wool winter hat in the dead of summer, who took the greatest of pleasure in annoying me for the entire duration of my visit to the base. There is almost nothing left of the immature young man that I met all those years ago, and to whom I had never looked at with serious interest, in the man that I am married to today. I never would have expected us to reconnect years later, after having not spoken in months, to find that our conversations would last for hours with no effort; to blossom from friendship to passion in the blink of an eye; to find that he had matured into this incredible, ambitious, compassionate man that I fell head over heels and madly in love with and said “I do” to just four short months later.

    Many time I sit back and marvel at the reality that I am married to a man who was once only a distant friend, and had now become my everything.

    But it is moments like those where I remember that is how love is supposed to be – like lightning in the night, sweeping you off your feet and leaving you wondering how something so marvelously perfect can fall together in the blink of an eye.

    My husband, my second and last love, my soulmate, and my “one”, was the man who taught me what true love was, and how to love myself, and him, deeper and richer than I ever could have before. It wasn’t until I discovered how he could love me that I realized what I had before was not passion, and was not real love – what I had before was my loving of an image and what I wanted a man to be for me; it was selfish and greedy, where my feelings were trampled as was my trust; and above all, it was toxic – leaving me less of a woman and nothing more than the shell of who I used to be.

    The man who is meant for you will not hurt you in these ways, for a man who truly loves you will put you above all else. He would not be able to bear the thought of losing you, and will fight with everything he has to keep that from coming to fruition. He will respect you and honor you. He will dedicate his heart, mind, and soul to you.

    Most of all, the man who is meant for you will never make you question if he is the one.

    I am writing this to you tonight because I have been where you have been, and I have felt what you have felt. I know what it means to lose your future (the one you only thought you had), and I survived – I survived and I flourished, because now I truly understand why enduring my past was so desperately important. It was because God’s plan for me all along was for me to lose everything that tied me down and caused me to lose myself, in order to find myself once again, and to recognize true love when it came knocking at my door.

    This is not just my story – it is the story of all the young women who have gone through a heartbreak and are lost in the world, completely unaware that the best is yet to come.

    This is going to be your story.

    So hold your head high through all of the days to come. Allow yourself to cry and to grieve, as it is necessary for you to begin to piece yourself together again. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you and care for you, and will be able to talk you through those sleepless nights. Go out and do everything – try and dare to explore as you are young and bright and beautiful and have everything to offer the world.

    And remember –
    remember that one day you too will be falling asleep next to your husband and the one you never expected to come into your life and fill your heart in a way no one else can.

    Remember that this is only a stepping stone, and one bad day, or a bad week, does not mean you are destined for a bad life. This stands true for men as well; never let one bad apple (or several) ruin the whole bunch.

    And lastly, remember to find yourself in between the days of the first and last best things to ever happen to you.

    The first best thing is the moment it all ended, all so that the man out there in the world, living and breathing and waiting for you, can find you.

    Love,
    M

    Liked by 1 person

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